Twibasket
by norainubuchai
Summary: Twilight. Fruits Basket. This is a parody about what happens if they combined. Within it, questions you have will be answered, like:"who left the oven on?", "why does Alice hate Turtle Hats?", and "which vampire is Shigure crushing on?" Read to find out!
1. Alice Hates Turtle Hats

**Hello and welcome to Twibasket, the semi comedic parody of ****Twilight ****and ****Fruits Basket****! This was based off a random idea me and a few friends had one day at lunch, so you guys, enjoy. For this first chapter, only characters from ****Twilight**** will appear due to the fact that a plot will be involved and things need to be explained. So please put on your "Turtle Hats" and let us begin!**

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The house seemed empty, desolate, but not quite serene. The phone began to ring, echoing through the house. Carlisle quietly grabbed for the phone and peered around, hoping for a private conversation. But in a house stocked with vampires, the idea seemed impossible.

"Hello?" Carlisle softly murmured into the receiver. He didn't need to ask who it was. He knew immediately who was on the other line, for that was the reason why this conversation needed to be kept secret…

Meanwhile, outside of the Cullen's home, Emmett, Edward, Alice, and Renesmee absentmindedly walked about n the woods, waiting on Rosalie, Jasper and Bella, who had somehow vanished when they were walking together.

"Hey, Emmett, you do know there is a turtle on your head, right?" Alice mumbled almost with uncertainty while staring at the turtle that was placed squarely on Emmett's head.

"What turtle? Do you mean my funny hat?" replied Emmett with glee.

Alice stared at him flabbergasted and then responded; "No, Emmett, I'm sorry to say that your 'funny hat' is a turtle, and it just gnawed off a little bit of your hair…"

"Alice, how can you think that is a turtle, it is obviously a hat!" stated Renesmee while grinning.

"How can it be a hat? It has feet! And they are moving!" Alice said feverously, flailing her arms and pointing at the turtle that was clearly on Emmett's head. The turtle just blankly glanced at Alice and yawned.

"Alice, are you ok? It sounds like you need to have your eyes checked." worried Edward.

Alice was furious now, and so she bellowed; "MY EYES?! YOU GUYS ARE THE ONE WHO NEED YOUR EYES CHECKED! YOU THINK A TURTLE IS A STUPID HAT!!" Alice's eyes blazed as they deadlocked with the turtle's, who seemed very pleased with himself for angering Alice.

"No, we think the turtle is a very smart hat," Emmett interrupted, "You are just jealous because you don't have one!"

Alice briefly glanced toward Edward and Renesmee and the responded; "but they don't have 'hats'!"

"Oh, yes we do," Renesmee corrected while simultaneously placing a turtle on her, then Edward's head.

Everything was silent for a moment, awkwardly silent. And nobody moved a muscle, excluding the three turtles, who glared at Alice to make her as uncomfortable as possible.

"That's it!" muttered Alice, "I'm going back to the house, and if you find the others, tell them not to listen to you!" That was all Edward, Renesmee, and Emmett were able to hear, because before they knew it, Alice was gone, grumbling curses at the turtles all the way home.

When Alice made it back to the Cullen's place, she saw that outside the main entrance, Carlisle was pacing back and forth with an urgent look on his face.

"Alice!" Carlisle began, "help me gather the others; there is something urgent I need to tell you all."

"Please don't tell me you have a Turtle Hat, too," responded Alice with a deep tone of spite for the Turtle Hats in her voice.

"Never mind that now, just help me gather everyone back here!" Carlisle snapped. You could tell he needed to tell all of the vampires something just by the way he was moving. And at that moment Alice thought he looked like a little kid who needed to pee, but then after getting bored with that thought, she began thinking of ways to torment the Turtle Hats.

"What are you waiting for?" Carlisle interrupted while Alice's train of though crashed and burned in a fiery pit of lost thought-ness. "It is really important, so help me get everyone back here!" Carlisle continued as he faded into the distance.

Alice and Carlisle then attempted to find everyone and drag them back to the house. Unfortunately, the dragging part didn't go so well, because apparently, vampires do not like to be dragged. After quite a while of dragging vampires around, all of the Cullens were finally gathered in the main room. Carlisle stood in the center and prepared to make his announcement.

Carlisle then cleared his throat and began to speak; "okay, I have something very important to tell all of you," Carlisle paused for a moment, as if to make it a bit more dramatic, and then continued, "a red sock kinda got into the wash with all of Edward's and Jasper's white shirts, so now, due to two colors and a one night stand, the shirts are now pink…"

All of the other vampires stared at Carlisle like he had lobsters crawling out of his ears. And then, while acting almost oblivious to their reaction, Carlisle added;" Oh, and on a minor note, we are all going to Japan."

"WHAT?!" the cluster of vampires echoed into the air.

"Why do you want us to go to Japan when none of us speak Japanese!" blurted Bella.

"Actually, Bella, we can," Carlisle began with a smirk on his face, "the author of this Fan Fic has decided we can, and just in case, I have this. " Carlisle then pulled out a book entitled: "How Vampires Can Learn Japanese in a Couple of Seconds." the book resembled something Carlisle made himself and shoved it in his closet for many years, but Carlisle seemed attached to it just the same.

"But why do you want us to go there, we may run into an unfamiliar vampire's territory," responded Jasper. He was still angry that his shirts were pink. You could just tell.

Then Carlisle answered; "well, let's just say I know what lives there… so pack you bags and let's get ready to go!!"

Carlisle's mind was made up now, they were going to Japan. And once Carlisle set his mind, there is little that can be done to stop him, or wait; nothing can be done to stop him. The other vampires knew this and began packing their bags and Carlisle took them and tossed them into the car. It was bound to be an interesting trip.

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**Well, what did you think? I know this chapter wasn't very funny, but things will change when the Cullens reach Japan. Also, they are supposed to be getting in the car, they aren't taking a plane to Japan. When chapter two is published, we will finally see some people from ****Fruits Basket** **appear; otherwise I couldn't call this Twibasket. Okay, now leave a review. (^3^)**


	2. Together!

Hey people and welcome to chapter two of Twibasket! Be prepared to finally see the casts of Twilight and Fruits Basket meet! Just so you know, a conversation near the end of this chapter, between Uo, Hana, and Bella is based of something me and _Miss Saigon11_ used to tell our friend, who we call Yuki-Chan, that conversation always got her to blush. (Blush, Yuki-Chan, BLUSH!) Well, anyway, enjoy.

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**After the car was loaded up and the vampires crammed inside it, the group's trip to Japan finally commenced. With Carlisle at the wheel, and Esme "back-seat driving", you knew the trip was going to be a long, exhausting, hell.**

**After an eternity of driving, something seemed weird, something in the car was breathing. As the car seemed to get hotter, a voice emerged, it said: "Hey Cullens, what's up?"**

"**OH MY GOD!!" shrieked the shocked Cullens.**

"**NO! I forgot to turn the oven off!" Esme cried, more concerned about her oven than the appearance of my favorite character, Jacob Black.**

"**Um, but you Bloodsuckers don't eat human food, right?" wondered Jacob, who was just as confused as THE AUTHOR and the other vampires about Esme's oven.**

"**Esme, ****why**** did you use the oven/" Rosalie asked, still shocked over Jacob's appearance and dumbfounded by Esme's comment.**

"**I wanted to play house in my own home, what's so wrong with that?" murmured Esme.**

**It was awkwardly silent then. AAfter all those years of living with Esme, the other vampires thought she was kind of smart. They were wrong, very wrong. Unfortunately for them, they just realized that fact right then and there. What a pity. **

**It was Alice who broke the silence, but she did soon a different topic, Turtle Hats: "Emmett, you didn't bring those stupid Turtle Hats, did you?" she questioned in a flat tone.**

"**No Alice," Emmett replied, "I brought my ****smart**** Turtle Hat!" Alice stared dumbfounded at him while he brought a Turtle Hat out from a little box he had previously been holding and placed the turtle Hat on his head, stroked it once, and grinned at Alice like it was natural to do so.**

"**Let's just pretend I never asked," murmured Alice glumly.**

"**You know what I just realized?" Jasper pondered out loud while smoothing out his pink shirt, "If we are going to Japan, why are we driving when we have to cross an ocean?"**

**Everyone looked at Carlisle, who, with a hint of mystery in his eyes, said: "Oh, we aren't going to ****cross**** the ocean, we are driving straight through it!" at that exact moment, Carlisle swerved the car off of the cliff they were driving on and plunged right into the ocean.**

"**What! We can't do this! It defies the laws of physics! This Fan Fiction has gone too far!" screamed Rosalie in despair and panic, watching the car sink further and further into the ocean."**

"**Don't worry, we have enough gas to make it there, and if we don't, THE AUTHOR will help us get there." reassured Carlisle, who was driving though the water.**

"**Carlisle, I don't understand, how are we doing this?" Bella wondered**

"**THE AUTHOR," he replied, "wants us to do something comedic, so she is forcing us to drive to Japan, and seeing as ho this is a Fan Fic, the laws of physics and Canada no longer apply to us."**

"**Canada?" Jacob questioned, now he and the others were confused.**

"**Yes, Canada," smirked Carlisle, who was now merrily driving the car under the ocean, which somehow didn't leak because THE AUTHOR said so.**

**For the rest of the trip, nobody said a thing.**

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**Meanwhile, in Shigure's house, Kyo, Yuki, Tohru, Uo, and Hana were slumped around a table, completely and totally bored. That was, until Shigure came skipping in like a small child and said:" What are you guys doing? We have to meet some people at the beach today!"**

"**I hope it's not one of your damn perverted friends!" muttered Kyo with less enthusiasm than normal.**

"**Um, well… I don't think so…" pondered Shigure while also thinking those perverted thoughts of his.**

"**There is no way in hell that you will get me to go!" Kyo bellowed, standing up from where he was slumped previously.**

**Then Shigure smirked and said:" oh, well I'll just get Tohru to go with me!"**

"**Okay!" Tohru responded with a smile.**

**Yuki and Kyo then glared at Shigure. He was the last person they wanted Tohru to be with, alone together, along with Shigure's "perverted friend."**

"**I'm going with you!" Kyo and Yuki said simultaneously.**

"**I'm glad you see it my way!" exclaimed Shigure as he dragged them all out the door.**

**After the three Sohmas, Tohru, Uo, and Hana arrived at the beach, they noticed an expensive car parked on the sand with a bunch of bickering shiny people in it. The car looked like it had been drowned twice.**

**Shigure ran straight to the car, opened the front door, and yanked out the shiny person in the driver's seat to give him a great, big glomp. This shiny person was Carlisle, he then glomped back.**

**Everyone else was utterly confused and just stared at the two like they had missed something, something big.**

"**Carlisle!"**

"**Shigure! It's nice to see you! But who are those other people with you?"**

"**That's Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru; the other girls are her friends, Uo and Hana. Who are the other shiny vampire people and who is that fuzzy dude?" Shigure responded.**

"**That's my family; the other vampires are Alice, Esme, Edward, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, and Renesmee. The furry dude is Jacob." Carlisle said with glee.**

**Then for the next half hour, the two groups mingled amongst each other, saying stupid things and giving bad first impressions. It all plunged for the worst when Shigure, obsessed with the beauty of the female vampires, went over to speak to Bella.**

"**Where have you been all my life?" he asked her.**

"**Hiding from you," replied Bella with disgust as she walked away to Edward, who was chatting with Uo and Hana. Edward then went away to go tell Esme something, leaving Bella with Uo and Hana. This was a bad idea.**

"**Sohma Shigure is in love with you," Uo smirked.**

**Then Hana added: "And he is thinking about you all the time with those perverted thoughts of his."**

"**But Edward can hear those thoughts," remarked Uo.**

"**Yet since he is in love with you, he is actually enjoying them!" Hana replied.**

**Bella blushed deeply and buried her head in her hair before saying:" And how do you know this?"**

"**He told us!" Hana and Uo said, leaving Bella to mutter to herself.**

**A short while after that, Shigure lead the vampires and Jacob to a hotel where they would spend the night, where they would wait for the next day to spend with the Sohmas…**

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**What did you think of chapter two? I personally find it kind of boring, but I think that's because I wrote it. PLEASE leave a review about what you thought and favorite ****Twibasket****, come on; you know you want to….**


	3. WTFic?

_**Hello Rabid Readers and welcome to chapter three of Twibasket! In this chapter though, there will be some Original Characters appearing. Why, you may ask. Well it's just to make things funnier! Here is who they belong to: **_

_**Sheena Fujioka= Miss Saigon11**_

_**Yuki Hanigagi= TeamEdwardKyoYuki**_

_**Kyo Hanigagi= Optimisticatgirl**_

_**Ok, just so you guys know, be prepared for one interesting**_** chapter. Now let us begin….**

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The day began quite different for the Cullens (and Jacob), considering that Japan's society seemed to accept that they were vampires, they were rather confused. Staring out into the streets they could tell that this version of Japan was like a generic Anime, for they saw their fair share of anthropomorphic cat people and small, chunky chibis roaming as they drove to Shigure's home, where many interesting events would await them….

Upon arriving at Shigure's house, the Cullens (and Jacob) were greeted by everyone in the house. And after mingling for a while, Shigure decided to try another pick up line on Bella. He was so sure this would work, it's a pity he was wrong.

Gathering up his courage, Shigure strolled along to Bella and said smoothly; "Hey angel, where'd you leave your wings?"

"Oh, I dropped them off in hell for you to get later," replied Bella coldly.

Shigure, who was now relatively embarrassed with nothing to say, began to put some distance between him and Bella, plotting his next pick up lines….

Just a few short seconds after that, the paper sliding door was kicked down harshly, and as it thrashed to the floor, the woman who kicked it down shouted; "Hey, Shigure! How could you be having a party without me?" then while turning to look at her two accomplices, she added; "Oh, I mean, without us!"

"Wait a minute…." I mumbled as THE AUTHOR, while pulling out my script and going over it; "you three are in the wrong Fic!! You are supposed to appear in later chapters of _The Black Rose_, and this is _Twibasket_!!! "

Out of the three girls, one of the two with cat ears fluffed her pink hair and said; "Well, we got bored waiting for the updates, so we came here. And Yuki-chan and I wanted to see some people…."

"Huh?" replied the girl known as Yuki-chan, the other girl with the cat ears who rubbed at her wavy bronze hair, looking confused at her twin, Kyo-chan.

"I never said you could come here though! You guys will confuse the readers!" I snarled.

"Well, it will be a hell of a lot funnier now!" remarked the girl who kicked down the door as a mischievous smirk broke out across her face.

"Shut up, Sheena! Just because you're related to the Sohmas doesn't mean you belong in this Fic! Don't make me tell Miss Saigon11 that you are here!" I threatened as I feverishly began to change the script.

Everyone besides us four just stared at the three who had broken in and looked around to find out where THE AUTHOR's voice was coming from. They were flabbergasted at the fact that THE AUTHOR's voice seemed to echo out of some unknown intercom and they were even more flabbergasted at the three strange girls who a few of them had known in another Fic.

"But we _are_ in the script! After all, that's when I-" Yuki-chan began to say, but was then stifled by Sakura when she covered Yuki-chan's mouth, then she raised her hand up in a "shh" gesture to get Yuki-chan to shut up.

I then sighed before saying; "Well of course it's in the script! Even what I'm saying now is in the stupid script! Now, I'm gonna let you three stay here as long as you 'play nice,' otherwise I'll bring Narricissa down here to drag you all back to The Management Box!"

The three girls gulped at the name of the dreaded Management Box.

Jacob was confused now, and remembering that Carlisle had apparently talked to THE AUTHOR before, he whispered to him; "What the hell is a Management Box? And who's that Narricissa chick THE AUTHOR mentioned?"

"The Management Box is where THE AUTHOR and her other freaks- I mean, friends- store their OCS when nobody wants them. Apparently, these three escaped," answered Carlisle, "And Narricissa is the protagonist for that Fic of THE AUTHOR's that she mentioned earlier, _The Black Rose_."

"So, is she gone yet?" pondered Kyo-chan aloud about THE AUTHOR.

"I think we are safe for now…." Jasper replied, completely stunned about what was going on.

Then Sheena smirked and said; "well, why the hell are we still standing here? Yuki-kun, I need to tell you something…." After Sheena said that and went off to chat with Yuki-kun, everyone else resumed their conversations along with the new arrivals.

After awhile of the never ending talking, Bella noticed that both Yuki-chan and Edward have been gone for what seemed like a long time. So after becoming curious, she went to go find them.

After searching for a while, Bella came to the only room in the house she had not checked. If they were not in here, she thought, then I doubt I will ever find them.

Then when she opened the door, that's when she saw what was happening. Bella had seen that Edward was on top of Yuki-chan making out with her.

The three of them had stared at each other for what seemed like 15 minutes, blushing and not moving at all. Then out of nowhere, Bella began crying and dashed to the kitchen, grabbing a few thick knives and going into a small area known as "The Emo Corner."

Pulling out the first knife, Bella began to (Well, attempt to) cut herself. While banging the knife on her granite-like skin, it broke and the actual blade soared through the air, flying right over Tohru's head as she walked in to comfort Bella. Bella, who still didn't notice Tohru running out of the room in shock, then tried to cut herself with the next knife, and with just a little less success than the first try, Bella sobbed; "IT WON'T CUT!!!" and took the rather harmless handle in a pathetic attempt to cut herself again. This attempt was the worst of all the others, for even though the laws of physics and Canada do not apply to this Fic, handles of knives _cannot_ cut vampires.

Bella, still desperate for success in her attempt to be emo, then began gnawing at her fingers, tearing one right off. She looked at the disembodied finger on the ground, satisfied for the moment with her act. But that all changed when that very finger began crawling it's way back to Bella.

"EEK!" She screamed hysterically as she ran out of the room while the finger still crawled after her, feeling abandoned.

Shigure had witnessed this all from his hidden pervy corner and as he watched Bella dart around his house, he murmured to himself; "Now I will make her mine…."

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**Kind of a cliffhanger ending, don't you think? I can only imagine what is going through Shigure's head…..**

**Well anyway, can you see why I decided to call this chapter WTFic? Its because this Fic is defiantly something you say WTF to. Oh, and TeamEdwardKyoYuki, did you blush yet? Anyway, just leave a review! **


	4. Awkward Moments

**Hey! Sorry for the late update, it's just that I have other Fics to attend to that are harder to write than this one. But please be prepared for the contents of this chapter, because just so you know, I think this one is not very funny….**

**But anyway, here is the next installment of Twibasket!**

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_Now that Edward is out of the way, I can have Bella all to myself! _Thought Shigure with glee as he crawled out of the hidden, perverted corner and looked around for Bella, who had seemed to disappear a few minutes ago. "Where is she?" muttered Shigure as he continued his search.

And while Shigure was looking around for Bella in that disturbing search, Bella was hiding outside the house, away from everyone, including her finger. As she sat behind a tree, Bella noticed someone walking by. "Who are you?" she snapped at them, not bothering to turn around.

"I'm Akito," the voice behind Bella echoed, causing her to turn around to face the figure. "And you are?" The voice added.

Bella, who was apparently crushing on Akito, mumbled back; "Oh, I'm Bella. You know, you're really hot…" She then stood up and tried to look as sexy as vampires can be, but in reality, she just looked awkward.

Akito looked at Bella as though she had just cursed out the Turtle Hats and said back to her harshly; "I'm a girl. And I'm as straight as a line too."

"Holy shit! But you… and…" Bella muttered in shock; but then, to make it seem like she was not the one who made a mistake, Bella shouted out; "Hey everybody! Akito is a cross dresser!" She then ran back into Shigure's house, leaving Akito staring at her both disgusted and shocked as Bella disappeared into the house.

Upon entering the house, Bella crashed into Shigure, and while he prepared to use another pick-up line, Bella stumbled back a bit.

Shigure grinned at Bella and then said; "Hey, Bella, you know I would go to the end of the world for you."

Bella just simply nodded, then replied coldly; "Yes, but would you stay there?" She then continued on walking, leaving Shigure with an expression pasted on his face that was eerily similar to Akito's.

And in all that time that Bella had spent in this chapter so far, she never noticed her finger crawling after her, feeling lonely and abandoned as it inched its way after her, unable to catch up…

But right as the finger was relatively close to Bella, roughly twelve feet away, Hana then took a step over it and all that could be heard was a soft squish! Hana did not notice it; she just kept up with the same pace as Uo, who walked beside her. They past Bella with little notice, walking over to Kyo with confused looks.

"What do you two want?" Kyo muttered, not really paying attention to the two of them.

Hana stepped forward. "Well, we had a question. We are sure you can answer it," she said, her eyes twinkling as she gave one of her unusual glares.

"Well, what are you going to ask? I don't have all day," replied Kyo.

Uo sighed and while placing her hand on her hip, she asked; "Do Shigure's vampire friends know about the Sohma curse?"

"Why would they?" Kyo answered, then after a pause, he flailed his arms and yelled at Uo and Hana; "Wait, how the hell do you know!? Did Tohru tell you two!?"

"No, we read the manga," stated Hana calmly.

Uo chuckled and said to Kyo with a grin; "What, did you not know that you are part of a manga called Fruit's Basket? Also known as Furuba?"

Kyo looked at them in shock and hissed; "Dammit! When did that happen?"

"It's an anime too," interrupted Hana, who was still speaking in that calm tone she used previously.

Kyo just fell to the ground with multiple twitches, muttering to himself what everyone else knew, wondering if the vampires (and Jacob) came from something similar as well; like a book.

"You think he'll be alright?" Uo said with a raised eyebrow, looking down at Kyo, who appeared as if he was having a seizure. Uo then nudged him with her foot, still glancing at him.

Hana nodded, and while grabbing Uo by the arm, they walked away, leaving poor Kyo in his mini seizure.

Shigure arrived on scene just a few minutes after Uo and Hana left, and while glancing down at poor Kyo, who was still twitching, Shigure muttered to himself; "Great. Not only is Akito standing outside the house in shock, but Kyo is having a mental breakdown…"

Shigure then walked a bit further and saw the slightly squished finger, which was lying on its "back" like an overturned Turtle Hat. _Hey, it's that finger Bella bit off her hand in the previous chapter, he thought as he bent down to pick it up._ _She is probably going to want this back… _Shigure pondered, skipping away from the "crime scene" with glee.

And as Shigure skipped out of sight like a little girl, Esme appeared, looking around in confusion. Following behind her were Carlisle and Tohru, who also seemed to be looking around for something in confusion.

Esme looked back at Carlisle and Tohru and asked them; "Hey, where are those three girls that broke in during the previous chapter? I haven't seen them at all in this one.…"

Tohru just shrugged and turned over to Carlisle, who everyone knew had connections with THE AUTHOR, so the look Tohru gave him suggested that he should know the answer, and he did.

Carlisle then answered as easily as it would have been if the question was concerning what his name was, he spoke out like a professor and said; "Well, I believe that THE AUTHOR has tried to lock them back in that Management Box. They might escape back here some other time though."

"That makes sense," Esme rambled, "but one of them took Emmett's Turtle Hat, so we need to get that back as soon as possible."

Tohru nodded and then replied; "But I don't think we have enough time to get the Turtle Hat back, because this chapter is almost over."

"So, do we wait?" questioned Esme.

"Looks that way, dear," Carlisle responded with a depressed tone as they all watched the clock, waiting for the chapter to end.

And while they waited, Shigure was looking for Bella yet AGAIN. It didn't take him very long to find Bella, considering that after only a couple of minutes, she crashed into him instead.

"Oh, Bella, you know I-"

"Stop with the pick-up lines!" she interrupted, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms as well.

Shigure, although rather hurt from Bella's attitude, ignored it and said; "Oh, I was just going to say that I found your finger."

Bella looked at him with a grin as Shigure handed her the lonely finger; which was not quite as lonely anymore, and she poked at it quizzically. "How do I put it back on?" Bella asked, but upon doing so, Shigure just shrugged.

After a few minutes, Bella finally got her finger back on. But it won't be discovered until the next chapter that her finger was on backwards….

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**Okay, so what did you think?**

**I personally feel a little bad for Kyo, who I'm sure is still having that seizure….**

**And I can say one thing about the Ocs taking Emmett's Turtle Hat; I want one too! **

**Well, just please leave a review and favorite this Fic. It may not be my favorite, but everyone else seems to like it!**


	5. Esme Forgot The Title

**Hello again! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry that I have not posted any new chapters in what seems like a lifetime. I have had the dreaded Writer's Block for roughly forever and a half and this lovely chapter of **_**Twibasket**_** has been on the verge of completion for many months. I have just been unable to finish it until now. I'm hoping that the remainder of summer will give me time to write again, even though my Writer's Block is blocking everything except my poetry and song writing, I'm still going to try to overcome this damn thing. Please review to give me confidence to keep going too! Okay, here we go…**

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"Wait a minute," Tohru began, looking over Esme and Carlisle's faces, "since this is a new chapter, maybe we can finally find that missing Turtle Hat."

"Oh yeah! I guess we can!" exclaimed Esme after pondering for a moment about the oven she left on at home.

Tohru then questioned, "But where do we start looking?"

Obviously having the answer, Carlisle responded, " how about Shigure's closet?" Even though he stated it as a question, Shigure's closet was where the small group headed, unprepared for what would lie in there instead…

Meanwhile, Jacob was raiding the kitchen for everyone's favorite thing to eat; food. Upon exiting the room discreetly with enough food to feed a small country, he ran into someone unexpected…

"Holy shit! I thought you died in the first book!" Jacob shouted, completely shocked and dropping all of his precious food.

It was James.

"Yeah, actually I was," he explained, "I just felt like coming back to life and joining you guys in this parody." James grinned lightly, shrugging his shoulders.

Stupefied, Jacob fell to the floor, not quite understanding how James got there anyway.

"So," James droned, "can I eat this chocolate that you dropped on the floor? I mean, the laws of physics and Canada don't apply to this fan fiction, so I'd be able to eat it like a human. Can I, please?" Still oblivious to the fact that Jacob was lying on the floor like a warm, fuzzy rug made of smelly dog, James ranted on about how he had read all the _Twibasket _chapters so far, and how he had all the official merchandise except a Turtle Hat. Jacob stayed unconscious for the entire conversation. The food he gathered was eaten by James as he prattled on about everything Twibasket.

And as this occurred, Tohru, Esme, and Carlisle walked right past them as they made their way to Shigure's closet, still unable to think about what they would find there. The trio snuck into Shigure's room quietly, peering over their shoulders every few seconds as they prepared to open the closet door.

"Are you sure that we will find the Turtle Hat here?" Esme questioned, her voice showing that she was unsure.

Carlisle didn't reply, he just yanked the door open and the others stared in, filled with shock because of what they saw. Shigure's closet did not contain the missing Turtle Hat; it was, however, filled to the brim with the dirtiest magazines and videos ever created. The girls stood dumbfounded; their faces were flabbergasted, but Carlisle was grinning happily.

Awed, he muttered, "it's beautiful." Esme and Tohru turned to look at Carlisle with flat expressions.

"What?" Esme stuttered, eyeing her husband with a twitch.

Looking around nervously, Carlisle replied with a blush, "Um, well, you see…" He stuttered on for a few minutes, unable to explain his love for Shigure's dirty porn magazines and videos.

Responding to Carlisle's lack of an answer, Esme pulled back her arm, and while moving it forward, she brought her hand across Carlisle's face; an action otherwise known as a bitch slap.

"What was that for!" Carlisle shouted.

"Well, you annoyed me. And when you are annoyed, it takes less muscles to bitch slap someone across the face than it does to frown."

"But we could have _fun _with the videos…" Carlisle argued.

Tohru stood in between Carlisle and Esme, blushing as she unfortunately listened to their conversation. Now, in order to preserve the "T" rating of this Fanfic, and to keep you, the readers, from being emotionally scarred for life, the remainder of this conversation between Carlisle and Esme shall be censored. And while these two continue their conversation so bad it is illegal to publish, we shall see what Emmett is doing to cope with his loss of Turtle Hat-ness.

Depression; that is what Emmett felt without his Turtle Hat. Hoping that he could become cutting buddies with Bella because of her recent depression, he sat right beside her in The Emo Corner.

While trying to teach Emmett The Way Of The Finger Chomping, Bella exclaimed, "Oh my God! My finger is BACKWARDS!" She stared at her backwards finger, just now noticing how messed up it is.

Examining her finger, Emmett said, "Bella, did you NOT read the last sentence in the previous chapter of _Twibasket_?"

"Hush, I'm following the script!" Bella hissed quietly, pulling out a script to check her lines and hoping that the audience didn't hear her say that, even though it was written in her copy of the script and all the other ones that she would be heard.

"Oh sorry," Emmett replied sadly, but with a little optimism, he stated, "You should bite off my finger and make it like yours."

Raising an eyebrow, Bella asked suspiciously, "Why?"

"Because I think it's cute."

"Like your Turtle Hat?" Bella responded with an uneasy twitch.

"Yes, like my gorgeous Turtle Hat," answered Emmett sadly, remembering the reason why he was there in The Emo Corner in the first place.

After a few minutes of arguing to herself over whether or not to bite off Emmett's finger and make it like her own, Bella finally gave into Emmett's strange demand. And while Bella does this, we shall go back to Tohru, Esme, and Carlisle, who are now finished with their dirty conversation.

"Carlisle?" Esme asked, her mind hatching an idea.

Carlisle perked up, thinking he had won the argument, "yes?"

"Do you want to do something with Shigure's videos and magazines?" questioned Esme.

"Yes," Carlisle repeated, a little more excited this time.

"The close your eyes," Esme murmured softly into Carlisle's ear. She then turned to Tohru, who was stuck in a permanent blush, and while holding a finger to her mouth in a "shh" gesture, Esme shoved her husband into the closet and locked him in there.

Shouting, Carlisle questioned, "Esme? Is this part of the sex game? Esme?"

Cackling evilly, Esme took Tohru's arm and while pulling her away from the scene, Esme chuckled, "So, now we can look for that Turtle Hat without any distractions from him."

Tohru didn't reply, she just continued to be dragged by Esme without any choice in the matter. Esme yanked Tohru around a corner, and upon doing so, they ran into James, who inquired, "Hey, where did Carlisle go? I thought he was with you two."

Ignoring the fact that she was talking to a vampire who she knows had been killed in the first book, Esme replied, "Oh, he's in the closet. He hasn't come out yet though."

James looked at Esme in shock, and Tohru then added, "It's true you know. I don't think he is coming out anytime soon."

James 'sweat-dropped' as he stood there and twitched. Tohru and Esme stared at him for a few minutes, not understanding the whole closet ordeal.

Reanimating herself, Esme shook Tohru and shouted urgently, "Oh my God! I don't know when the chapter is going to end because Carlisle is gone! We need to find that damn Turtle Hat fast!" Esme grabbed Tohru's arm yet again, and while running at a speed which only vampires and Turtle Hats could achieve, she rounded another corner with Tohru flapping in the wind like a flimsy doll being tossed in the air.

"Wait! I have an idea!" Tohru shouted, causing Esme to come to a screeching halt.

"What? I don't think we have much time!"

"I just realized that THE AUTHOR put a Turtle Hat Tracker in my back pocket! We can use it to find Emmett's Turtle Hat!" Tohru yelped happily.

Then with the swiftest motions, Esme pulled the tracker out of Tohru's back pocket, unaware of how dirty that looked for anyone who might have been watching; this 'anyone ' probably meant Shigure.

After a few beeps from the Tracker, Esme shouted enthusiastically, "it's this way! Follow me, Tohru!" Esme then proceeded to continue dragging poor Tohru around, flinging her so viciously that if the laws of physics and Canada applied to this Fanfic, Tohru would most likely be dead. The two followed the Tracker outside, and passed where a suspicious-looking Shigure was creeping around.

Shigure jumped up in alarm when he saw Tohru and Esme in the area. He bit his lip and muttered a few curses under his breath. Moving quietly, he tip-toed over to a bush and leaped in it, trying to hide from the girls. _Did they notice me watching Esme touch Tohru's butt? _He thought with worry.

And while Shigure was worrying in that bush, Tohru and Esme walked around the yard in a strange path. "It says that Emmett's Turtle Hat should be nearby…" uttered Tohru, eyeing her device curiously.

"Is it broke?" Esme asked.

Tohru gasped. "It can't be broke!"

Then, with the swift reflexes of a very sparkly vampire, Esme took the wee Tracker device and whacked it as hard as she could. The Tracker then started beeping rapidly and point right at the bush in which Shigure was hiding in.

"Oh crap, " Shigure muttered softly as he heard the two walk towards his bush.

With a tint of fear in her voice, Tohru shivered and said, "it's in there." She pointed at the bush as though she knew something was going to pop out of there.

_So I'm an it now? When did that happen?_ thought Shigure with a twitch. A grin quickly appeared on his face, and he had an idea.

"Rawr! I'm gonna eat you!" he shouted, leaping from the bush.

Tohru screamed loudly, crouching on the ground with her hands over her head and her eyes closed. The poor girl was scared so much, that she froze in that position.

Esme glared at Shigure, and his smile quickly faded.

"I swear I wasn't watching you touch Tohru's ass!" Shigure shouts with his hands up in the way they would be if he got caught by a cop.

"You were watching what?"

Shigure went silent for a second, and while stammering to himself, he turned around to think of something to say. But then, Esme saw what was stuck to the seat of his pants.

"Oh my god! It's the Turtle Hat!" Esme shouted, pointing at the Turtle Hat that was biting Shigure's butt.

"Get it off! Get it off!" Shigure screamed as he ran about frantically.

Since she had no idea how to get the Turtle Hat off of screaming Shigure's pants, Esme called out loud, "Emmett! Come here right now!"

In the blink of an eye, Emmett was there.

….And his finger was backwards, just like Bella's.

"Emmett! Your Turtle Hat is man handling me!" Shigure bellowed, still running all over the yard.

"Steven Sparkly Sky Rainbow Magic Pants, I missed you!" Emmett said happily, grabbing his Turtle Hat from Shigure's pants effortlessly while part of them tore off in the Turtle's mouth.

Emmett then carefully placed his Turtle Hat right where it belonged on his head and petted it gleefully. "Thanks for finding it! I love you mommy!" He said to Esme like a little child.

"Emmett, I'm not your real mommy."

"Oh yeah. I forgot," uttered Emmett, paying attention only to his lovely Turtle Hat.

And as the day was drawing to a close, it seemed everyone was full of laughter and cheer. Everywhere Emmett or Shigure went, there were many hysterical laughs.

Maybe it was because of the hole in Shigure's pants revealing his Barbie boxers and the messy brown poo in Emmett's hair that came from his Turtle Hat. I'm sure we'll never know…

* * *

**Poor Emmett and Shigure, how could they not notice something like that? So, what did you think? I know it probably wasn't the best chapter, but it's something, right? **

**And you gotta love the name of Emmett's Turtle Hat. You just have to. XD **


End file.
